I can, I can't.

I can finish a 300+ page book in a day, and that too not skipping TV and chores.

I cant drive any vehicle to save my life. In fact, i didn't drove once to save my dad's life. But he is still alive, so i am no lamenting the point much.

I can entertain myself for any length of time, if i have my mobile phone.

I can't live an hour without the said phone.

I can tell if you are lying to me.

I can't tolerate physical pain. At best it makes me a cry baby. If you are responsible for my pain, i am hurting you back.

I can make funny greeting cards. And plan surprise gifts.

I can't hold a surprise a secret. If i plan your birthday a week before, we are celebrating it a week before.

I can live entirely off oatmeal.

I can't juggle anything. Not even two lemons.

I can whistle. Feebly. That after 2 years of practice.

I can't focus on anyone's talk for more than 20 mins. Made me a terrible student.

I can play a decent game of Indian Rummy.

I can't win Rummy against my brother, who is a terrible player, but is suspiciously lucky.

I can do awesome googling. Seriously. It needs really good skill.

I can't pretend to smile when i am really pissed of at someone. I look rally pissed off.

I can spin theories and anecdotes out of anything, some of which actually make sense.

I can't keep away from dogs. If i see a dog in any home, i have to go meet it, say hi and mostly get barked at.

I can be organised only when i am in charge of organizing. Or i am very disorganized.

I can't paint. Or draw. I actually got a C- in my 10th grade art. That for cheating in arts. Still now i cant imagine i did that.

I can spend hours on wikipedia. Just jumping through the articles.

I can't handle kids. I don't think they like me much.

Liar Liar!

I admit i am a bad liar. I tend to stare, stumble and get stuck between speeches. Except when its about food. I can be pretty convincing when i lie about food.

Mom: Sree, who ate the jilebi in fridge?

Me: Gave it to rocky.

Mom: The spicy biscuit?

Me: Gave to rocky!

Mom: The bread?

Me: Rocky!

Mom: Molu, Rocky don't eat bread.

Me: Yeah, that's why he sniffed it and left it there. So i threw it away. Away!

Not bad, eh?

[Glossary: Molu- Pet name for daughter]

Tying the Wrong Knots

I will site here two situations. You can tell me the difference in the comment section.

Situation One

*phone rings*

Person1(P1): Hello.

P2:Hello, i am calling after seeing an ad in paper.

P1: Yes, We did put an ad. Its for my daughter. Who is talking?

P2:I am the boy's father. Where is your proper place?

P1: We live in %%%%. Me and wife are retired now. This is our only child.

P2: What is your caste?

P1: XXXX. We assume you are too?

P2: Yes. I and wife both are. We have a younger girl too. She married a guy from the same caste.

P1: What does the boy do?

P2: He did BBB course, now works in TTT company. He earns NN per an

num. Well settled. He has his own flat there. And he is up for a promotion real soon.

P1: Well, thats great. So will you send a kundli so that we can go see the pundit?

P2: Oh yes. Soon. Then we'll meet you people if all goes right.

P1:I hope so too. If everything works as good as we hope, we dont want to delay anything.

P2: We dont, too. Its all for the kids' betterment. Why delay, eh?

P1: Ha ha. yeah. So i will tell you the address now..

P2:....

Situation Two

P1: Hello sir.

P2: Ah kaka, this maal you have looks good.

P1: Yes Sir, She is young, tender meat, ripe for plucking sir.

P2: Hmm. This was exactly what we were looking for. All tests done na?

P1: Yes sir. The doctor's certificate is here. See. If you like this i will get this to your home by tomorrow morning.

P2: Hmm. Make it day after tomorrow. Some people are coming to see my daughter. We are making mutton biriyani. So you cut it in the size for that.

P1: This is one excellent goat sir. Tender meat. Perfect for the biriyani.

P2: So, how much for the goat?

P1:...

Both these are not a rare conversations in modern India. On a second thought, the latter one is rarer than than the former. What does that say about the progressive, ready to embrace the world, youth powered India?

I can go on and talk a day about the injustice of it all. But the system is not going to change. Its not the girl, its not the boy.

So i am just keeping a cynical face on it.

Shane Mack: Lie to me

Today i happened upon this awesome awesome song. Loved it on first hearing. Then i heard it again. And again. And nth time, again. Everyone play it once and tell me you loved it too!

Lie to me Lyrics

Lie, of why you're leavin' early

Deny, that you're in any hurry

Cry and tell me not to worry

Cause what I don't know, is never gonna hurt me.

Breathe, no baby don't feel guilty

Deceive me, then just walk away

Leave me, the truth would only kill me

And It's gotta be, it's gotta be this way.

One more bad excuse

Before you turn me lose

Give me something to remember you by

Couldn't you offer me

A little dishonesty

Promise me you'll try

You'll lie to me.

Woo..

Go, your plane's not gonna stay

Slow, so I can take it in

And so, you say you'll see me later

When you know you won't see me again.

Please before you let go of me

Take me one more time

Appease me, tell me that you love me

That you haven't gone and changed your heart.

One more bad excuse

Before you turn me lose

Give me something to remember you by

Couldn't you offer me

A little dishonesty

Promise me you'll try

You'll lie to me, lie to me.

By: Shane Mack.

NB: On a completely different note, i love this series on Star World, Lie to me.

'Ear me out!

I am not pretty when i get sick. In fact, its quite a terror. I get needy, greedy and bloody irritating when something disturbs the aww-so-amazing functioning of my body.

And usually i am very healthy too. No fevers, with or without fancy names. No wonky lab reports. No allergies. All systems functioning well.

Then i woke up yesterday.

And the whole room started spinning.

I closed my eyes and tried to turn. And then it spun some more. It stopped.

I thought I'd skipped the dinner. No i hadn't. And i am not that delicate.

I stood up and then the spinning restarted. I was never a fan of theme park rides. Now you can imagine how i feel about this. It freaked me out. I went downstairs, feeling slightly nauseous. Add to that a slight temperature and sweating.

Then once i settled and fixed my head on a pillow, the world righted itself and i could start thinking what went wrong. Especially, where.

I remembered all the times i had asked patients, was the room spinning or were you spinning kinda questions. They will mostly make are-you-crazy eyes at you. But when it happens to you, thank god for your basic knowledge, you notice.

I don't like medical terms in blog. Still, you know what this means? Positional Vertigo.

Basically my ear is screwed. (I am leaving the technicalities here.)

You know what irked me? The Ear part. Of all the parts of my body to go and do something weird, the ear had to do it. I, who never ever ever got admitted in a hospital as a child, except one time for finishing a bottle of 500 grams of Boost in one day and getting quite a digestive tract cleaning, both ways, is an epitome of health. So i am convinced that one day i will get some awe-worthy disease, like Blood cancer(my childhood ambition, yes i watched films a lot) and die a very theatrical death making every eyes wet. And no where in this huge production i can find a role for an ear. But there it goes, literally and figuratively toppling my entire world. I want to take a nailgun and gun this thing down, which may not be an ideal situation. And i will never hear the end of it (Haha!).

And you know what this means? Doctor. I hate doctors. I don't trust them. And now i hate my ear too. :(

So I skipped the doc, I sat at home and had a lecture on causes of vertigo from mom. Being lazy and disrespecting her. Yess Mom. You are lucky i cant shake my head in denial.

The Beauty of Puttu

So, my EverYouth scrub went missing. Yes, the same shit in the picture.

When i was younger, I used to buy that because the uber-soft-skinned girl in college used it. Then i grew old. And EverYouth walnut scrub shifted gears from fancy to necessary.

And that scrub went missing.

How dare it!

First i tried to adjust with just face wash. Then it really started getting gruesome. Brittle and cranky face. Old age. Someone hug me now!

Then i essentially plowed the whole house to find it.

To no avail.

I was getting desperate.

If necessity was the mother of invention, desperation was the father of it.

And here, my fellas, i am giving out my first beauty tip via blog. And its not pretty.

Anyone heard of Puttu? The staple breakfast of keralites/mallus. Good with sugar, banana, chicken, beef....it goes with anything.

Am going offtrack.

So one of the ever present commodity of a mallu home is puttu podi (powder for puttu). Its basically rice(small, white ones) moistened and then powdered coarsely and then fried and stored.

You know what that means? Coarse powder. Fried to be hard and dry.

My brain short circuited to this conclusion today morning and Ah... what a relief to have my smooth ex-foliated skin back!

And you know what the catch is! EverYouth costs Rs.55 (which ain't much and it lasts forever!) But you know what is better? Puttu podi is absolutely free!!

So enjaay the great puttu, and flaunt the soft skin!

(someone should campaign it.)

PS:I don't do beauty advices. Its just because there are some things i admit i am terrible at.
Having said that, i am not a HOG. And being a mallu means you are supposed to bath 3 times a day and proclaim all non-mallus dirty. I manage the second part. :P