Universal language

I have a French student now. One Mr. Thomas. I like to think of him as thumnus. You know, of Narnia. Usually I don't have language barrier with my students. They all are more well versed in English than I am. Thomas talks well too. But you never know.
So one day we were discussing the things us humans do, that I'd say not fit for delicate ears. Regular work.
Me: so, there's faeces, urine and sweat.
T: what's that?
Me: faeces?
T: yeah.
Me: umm. You know, human waste.
T: what waste? I don't get it.
Me: Stools?
T: what's stool? Like a seat?
Me: how do I say this. Gaad... Like we go to toilet everyday, u know? Well, some every day. : /
T: like poo?
Me: Yes Thomas! POOP it is! You poo poo head!
The last bit was all in my head.

I am afraid to think what I will do if he starts akibg questions about the rest.

Plane Issues

My mom in no way is an illiterate village folk. She is well educated, worked as a teacher for over 30 years and is well read and up to date on current events. But there are times when she appears a bit naive and inexperienced in worldly things. Like on this fine afternoon when we(Me, Mom and aQQui) were on different stages of reading paper and siesta-ing after lunch.

Mom: So, do Aeroplanes have bathrooms in them?

Me: No mom, they don't.

Mom: Really? I don't believe it. Don't they aQQui?

aQQui: No mom, think how it is even possible. Trains open to tracks na? How can they do that with a plane?

Mom: But... that is really terrible!

Me: Yeah. You know why they ask people to check in 4 hours ago on internationals na? They make them stop drinking or eating then.

Mom: Really?

Me: Uh uh. And they advice people to 'go' before entering the plane too.

Mom: Wow.

aQQui: If the planes have stops on the way, we can go then.

Mom: So why they talk about food on planes on TV?

Me: That... they only give that right before you have to get out. So that there wont be any 'incidents'!

aQQui: Yeah! They are trying to invent something to stop these. But as of now, nothing has happened.

*By this time we both, but me mostly had started snickering*

Mom: You two are such nasty kids for tricking your mother! I don't even know why i bothered asking you. *huffs and walks away*

aQQui: So, when do you think we went overboard?

Me: Around the food serving?

aQQui: Probably.

When Life Deals You a Lemon, You Need to Know What It Means

The kitchen tap was left open and the sink overflowed. Mom was looking at it despairingly.

Me, the Sunshine girl, took over the matter.

Me: Amma, dont worry. Lets take this chance and clean the floor, its already soaked. Haven't you heard the expression "If life deals you lemons make lemonade"??

Mom: No.

Me: Well, life gives you a lemon, you can make a sourface or a sweet lemonade. Its how you look at it.

Mom: Ah. So what if I don't like lemonade?

Me: Its a proverb!!

Mom: Ooh! OK.

After five minutes.

Mom: Diabetic people really don't like lemonade, you know?

Me: MAA!!!

The Cost of Being a Smartass

There are days when I am so darn proud and happy for the fact that I am street smart that I have to resist giving myself a hi5 in public. Today was not that day.
I was waiting for the bus to take me to the clinic in the morning. I was late owing to being tormented by (bitching about) Justin Beiber after seeing him back to back first thing in tv. Dont ask why I watch tv if I have to leave home early. And dont even start suggesting driving. You know why!

So I was late and rather pissed and when the bus finally arrived, I rushed and was first in the disorganised queue-huddle at the door. Yes, I always manage to be at the front, I just hate standing. People were getting off and there was this girl(13ish) who was last, and a rather mannish lady(b****) started pushing in and I had to side step so as to get this girl out alive. This took considerable time and my good deed for the day was done, so I rushed(pushed) in to salvage something for my posterior and there was this 50ish aunty sitting alone in a two seater and I went to sit down.

Aunty- this seat is taken!
Me- huh. *sitting down near hear rather forcefully* it is taken now, I guess.
Aunty- *to the daughter who was entering then* sit on the side seats!
In my defence, It was a 45 mins journey and I was going to work. And the whole time aunty passed angry glares at me and pushed me even when the bus was not passing a curve. Mean aunty!
So when I reached my destination, I got off, and sat down under the fan in clinic and sighed in relief. Nightmare over!
Except, I had no idea.

After about 10mins, receptionist came in.
R-lady: You got a patient.
Me: great, send 'em in.

Enter aunty and the girl. Yes, same aunty and same girl. My life is over.

Aunty: *half laughing and half glaring* YOU!
Me: *half scared and half guilty* you? :-S

Long story short, aunty and girl(who turned out to be her granddaughter), was coming to see me, as the girl was uh.. um.. sick.
I know. I am despicable.
In self-defence, she did not look sick. :|
Thankfully aunty did not beat me with her handbag, and after some chats, became quite friendly.
When you think something is finally over, shit will hit the fan on full speed. Again.
After asking me where my home was, she asked me if I knew a teacher who lived there.
Me: *OMG-here-it-comes face* yeah, thats my Mother.
Aunty: we know her! Very well too. She taught her*pointing at the girl*.
They very fondly took mom's number from me and went after the consultation.

Dont say anything. You cant call me something that I haven't called myself.

Liar Liar!

I admit i am a bad liar. I tend to stare, stumble and get stuck between speeches. Except when its about food. I can be pretty convincing when i lie about food.

Mom: Sree, who ate the jilebi in fridge?

Me: Gave it to rocky.

Mom: The spicy biscuit?

Me: Gave to rocky!

Mom: The bread?

Me: Rocky!

Mom: Molu, Rocky don't eat bread.

Me: Yeah, that's why he sniffed it and left it there. So i threw it away. Away!

Not bad, eh?

[Glossary: Molu- Pet name for daughter]

The Beauty of Puttu

So, my EverYouth scrub went missing. Yes, the same shit in the picture.

When i was younger, I used to buy that because the uber-soft-skinned girl in college used it. Then i grew old. And EverYouth walnut scrub shifted gears from fancy to necessary.

And that scrub went missing.

How dare it!

First i tried to adjust with just face wash. Then it really started getting gruesome. Brittle and cranky face. Old age. Someone hug me now!

Then i essentially plowed the whole house to find it.

To no avail.

I was getting desperate.

If necessity was the mother of invention, desperation was the father of it.

And here, my fellas, i am giving out my first beauty tip via blog. And its not pretty.

Anyone heard of Puttu? The staple breakfast of keralites/mallus. Good with sugar, banana, chicken, beef....it goes with anything.

Am going offtrack.

So one of the ever present commodity of a mallu home is puttu podi (powder for puttu). Its basically rice(small, white ones) moistened and then powdered coarsely and then fried and stored.

You know what that means? Coarse powder. Fried to be hard and dry.

My brain short circuited to this conclusion today morning and Ah... what a relief to have my smooth ex-foliated skin back!

And you know what the catch is! EverYouth costs Rs.55 (which ain't much and it lasts forever!) But you know what is better? Puttu podi is absolutely free!!

So enjaay the great puttu, and flaunt the soft skin!

(someone should campaign it.)

PS:I don't do beauty advices. Its just because there are some things i admit i am terrible at.
Having said that, i am not a HOG. And being a mallu means you are supposed to bath 3 times a day and proclaim all non-mallus dirty. I manage the second part. :P

The Cat

I don't want to come out as an animal hater when i say i hate cats. But i guess wanting wring the neck of one and to throw one by its tails does not make me much nice too. (I swear i am better with dogs. Or anything that flies or walks on four legs. I hate fish. They are for eating.) I don't know where i get these cat hurting urges. Mom says its from the time one scratched me when i was 8. (Guess its dead now and i am not. Ha, you cat-bitch!)

So far this had been a non issue. I have known and liked people who in fact(to the horror!) owned cats. I made fun of them, insulted them and always told the cat is not cute. (No wonder some never keep in touch.) But, my closest ones are also not big fans of the four legged selfish masterminds who wants to take over the world. Especially in my family. While me and my bro do like the big ones, (tigers are not cats, damnit!) we always voted for dogs to be adopted and not cats. Thus we had Rocky, our GSD, not a monster named chucky or leo.( Damn i love the name Leo. Next dog. Period.)

I should have known that this domestic bliss would have a short life.

During the world cup, it happened.

Imagine the ugliest, unhealthiest cat you can image. Thats what happened.

At first when it trotted around the kitchen, we all thought it will die in 3 days maximum. Mom took pity on the monster and gave it a fair share of Rocky's milk. I was horrified to find it comfortably drinking milk near the firewood out back. Along with me, dad too registered his opposition to this new animal.

I should never have forgotten that the one thing me and mom share is our sovereign contempt for anything other family members think or want. Thus mom, also the queen bee and sole ruler of our home decided to keep the monster kitty. And named it SAKUMI. For the world cup mascot. Jeezus freaking Christ!

All these time, i thought either it will die, or we will chase it out of home. Or Rocky will do the job. We were shocked to find that his smelling is pretty lame for one of the-most-used-dog-breed-in-police. He knows mom is harboring hostage, he sniffs for it and never ever went close to its hiding. Shameless doggie! Now there goes my plans of him joining CIA! Hmmph

And once it had established rapport with mom, (mom calls, it purrs. How disgusting!) it turned on me. I knew it would. One day i discovered that my room smelled of urine. And later of poop. I found cat shit in two different places and one on a cloth, which i dont own now. Of the whole house and backyard and all, the monster had to shit in my room. My room!

Consider this as a statutory warning. Cats are evil. They select their opponents, the plan the attack in minute detail and they carry that out with precision. They are watching us. I even doubt this cat is a reincarnation of you-know-which-cat. To my everlasting dread, its getting healthy now. And fearless as it roams the hall and sits on the window sill.

Any way, i am forced to lock my door and windows now.

I am safe.

Until the Cat forges the key.

Resuming it!

So, lets call him UnintentionallyStupid. He was aQQui's civil engg classmate and is hunting for jobs now.

In his early job hunting days, one day he realised that he he had an interview the very next day and he didn't have a resume with him.

He scrapped up someone else's (like we all do) and changed the essential details and rushed for the event.

Somehow he performed excellently in the interview and was very confident about a position.

But, to his dismay, they didn't picked him, and to make matters worse, they didn't picked anyone.

This made UnintentionallyStupid think a lot. He found a senior working in the same firm and asked him to look behind the scenes.

Two days later, senior called him, and said that he inquired.

The interviewer said, "There was only one marginally good candidate. And i would have hired him. But sadly, he was a mechanical engineer."

:D

The very day UnintentionallyStupid worked on a new RESUME, and lets hope he wont be mechanical about filling his resume again!

Doctor.. Doctor!!

Imagine you are going to visit a doctor. A cloud of different emotions hang over your head. You are afraid, hopeful, excited, calculating...

Then you go inside and what you see there?

Yes.. the doctor is Sleepy Sleeperson.

How you feel now?

Well, let me introduce my Vice.

Sleep.. which eludes me at night, has no problems appearing spontaneously in day time. Short visits. When i am inactive. These facepalm situations make maximum appearance during my work. Imagine me, doctor, with minimum patients, bored shit in afternoons, not to mention after a heavenly and heavy lunch, in summer heat, with rhythmic sound of fan... ideal situation to breed sleep, you see.

Usually life is cool. I get up when a patient tries open the door or my pharmacist calls me to inform an arrival. Or the attender brings the case sheet. I wake up and other than a clueless smile and bright eyes, nothing is amiss. That is Usual.

Then there is unusual. The attender is late. The patient is not patient(LOL) and opens my door without any formalities. The pharmacist is rapidly trying to call me...

And what can be the final nail on my coffin? Yes, me myself, in one of those mindless, deep, dream laden sleep. In which i cant hear the door, or the patient's clearance of throat, or even the phone, which is right near my ear.

Like this afternoon.

I am thinking if there were drool in the scene. Which would have been the icing on the cake. And truly, i cant even remember it.

I scrambled up.. got my wits together.. Lied that i had a headache.. Then went on with the consultation.

I will never blame her if she is not buying that medicine.

[PS: Looking back on that image, the resemblance in uncanny.]

The Doctor is In

Commuting from work is hell. So one of these days, i was waiting for bus and an auto came which was in my route and i had to auto-pool (funny :D) with a middle aged couple. The travel was silent, incident free.

And when i was nearing home, i asked the auto driver to stop.

So, something about my home. I have this board with Dr.Smalltown Girl written on the side of the short path leading to my home. This was erected in mom's insistence soon after my graduation, most likely to show off, and has gained me much ribbing from fellow college mates who travel this way and see the board.

So, as i was paying the auto driver..

Middle aged Decent looking Man(MDM): Oh, You here to the doc's house?

Me: *smiling* Yes.

MDM: Hmm, if you don't mind me saying so, there is another doctor at the next stop. Dr.KM. He is very famous.

Me: Oh i know him.

MDM: Oh. then why don't you go there?

Me: Because, i AM this doctor.

MDM: *spluttering sounds* Oh.. Sorry..I thought..

Me: Its ok. Dr.KM was my teacher at college. But OK.

As i was turning to go home, the MDM was still spluttering and the auto driver was laughing his ass off. I could't resist a smile. :)

15 Useful Tips On Rudra Mishra

This shall, in future come to know as a reference guide to aspiring best friends and girl friends. (Or not. :P) [PS:Guest posted at Rudra's Blog.]

So why me? He is my best pal and he says i know him the best. And i think that qualifies me more than enough.

Special mention:The facts are more fictitious than reality and the sole purpose of the guide is to elicit a laugh and to torment Rudra.

So here we go..

1. Do not think Rudra loves Arsenal. Rudra is Arsenal. This might sound crazy, but if you keep this in mind, you will understand a lot. Like why he never talks during a match time or why looking at Arsene Wenger's wrinkled face with anything less than admiration would invite his wrath.
2. Second one is along the lines of first one, still deserves another point. Tottenham Hotspurs is not a football club. In fact they are nothing, so do not deserve respect or attention or even mention. And always, always refer to them as SPUDS. Every sentence with spuds should have minimum 3 words like dumb ass*****, motherf****** or dirty scumbag.
3. Do not ever say ARSE. In or out context of arsenal. If its imminent and you cant replace it, you are allowed to use ass or buttocks or posterior instead.
   (Some clarification here- You cant be ignorant of everything arsenal while being near him. His highs and lows are so associated with them, and many of his friends too. The club is larger than life. And you always come after the club. ALWAYS. First its rather annoying, but getting used to it is the only solution.)
4. When in tight spots caused by yourself, do not hope for comfort words. He is a stickler of propriety. He will try everything to pin the blame on you, even when he is a third party. Its his way of comforting you and getting you ready for facing the situation. But after some minutes, he will come around to comfort. Same goes for fights with your own parents or siblings where you were wrong. And in those you were not. And the times when did the right thing and it still backfires.
5. Rudra watches emotion filled reality shows. And you are not to make fun of it. Because hmm, sometimes its good to be emotional you know. (HA HA HA) *solemn look*. And, if you make fun of him, you will hear from me. So the list of shows include little champs, perfect bride [=)) i thought only girls watched it!] and other similar ones.
6. Do not enter into arguments or debates with him if you are a sore loser especially without fact-sheets and brutal high pitched voice. To give some credit, he debates good. And he never listens to what ever you says. Frustration and urge to throw stuff at him is a constant result and if you don't live with him and/or is handling expensive stuff, stop the argument and count to 100. If it still doesn't work, hunt him down and kill him. [Cheat code: Act really upset and rather teary. He will write 'you are the winner' in a paper and sign it to stop you from sulking]
7. One word: SPACE. This means a lot to him and so you should honor him with it. (Or not, as, after a while he gets used to you badgering the heck out of him in every 3o seconds :D)
8. You can trust his movie gyan to the absolute. Even though he can be judgmental about some films you friend suggested(whom he hates[refer 11]) and can go overboard with them. Sometimes he even forces upon you weird films with rats as stars (not even animated :O ) or try to disguise horror ones for normal movies. Still he is pretty much perfect there.
9. He loves rain to the point of making you hate rain. So if you want him in your life and still have a rain-loving-heart, learn to tune your mind to other frequencies during monsoon. Or you can go blah-blah-blah in your head. Listening to him going on about rain will make you positively sick of anything rain. So self preservation calls for aforementioned methods.
10. Do not pwn him more than 10 times a day. After that that he is just morose. Girls with designs for him, don't even think about pwning. He only tolerates pwning from a limited number of people.
11. Rudra will say he is not a strictly possessive person. But i beg to differ gentle girls, he is. In a non interfering way(thats the best kind na?). Step around it carefully girls, one wrong step and you are in ditch. Kidding, he is after all not a ditcher.
12. DO understand the guy has LDA (Latitude Dependent Amnesia). Not a rare disease amongst guys i think. Symptomatically he forgets you when he moves to a new place. And he will come around to you eventually, but then he would have forgotten that he forgot you in the first place and will never apologize. Its a disease People.. Poor guy. Awful na? (And do not be sad. You will get your revenge. You can remind him and make him shameful for months, and later, you can even blog about it.)
13. Rudra says words like ewww and awww and such, and you are to be glad that he is in touch with his feminine side. *solemn look*
14. You cannot discuss censored topics with him. He starts with getting disturbed and saying ewww (refer 13), and later moves on to twitching, looking for change of topic or soon, a heart attack. True Story.
15. Pink boxers are sexy. And manly. Do not argue the point.

The author shall not be responsible for any of the failures that are caused by this guide. As, the author didnt took money from you, and the author is not a very responsible person :D. Though, any success will be taken sole responsibility for.

Boo!!

This is what is written on the incognito window of google chrome.

You've gone incognito.

Pages you view in this window won't appear in your browser history or search history,

and they won't leave other traces, like cookies, on your computer after you close the incognito window. Any files you

download or bookmarks you create will be preserved, however.
Going incognito doesn't affect the behavior of other people, servers, or software.

Be wary of:

• Websites that collect or share information about you
• Internet service providers or employers that track the pages you visit
• Malicious software that tracks your keystrokes in exchange for free smileys
• Surveillance by secret agents
• People standing behind you

The last one simply cracked me up =))

Disclaimer-This does not in any case goes on to prove that i use incognito window for terrorist activities. Or any other activities. I am just observant, thats all :) This also does not mean i hate chrome. Infact i only use chrome. And to point out, its not because of the incognito.