I am this brave, i-don't-give-a-shit-about-what-the-world-thinks kinda girl (or i pretend to be so most of the time) but i do have more insecurities than I would like to admit. Especially when it concerns stuff i love. And the stuff i did with great care. And I am talking about my blog.
*Taking off the brave mask*
I have already written somewhere that I really really wanted to have a blog and i love this one like crazy and am very proud and emotionally attached to it than what is considered normal :P All people who have communicated with me should know it, blog related sentence is included in the first 10. And my friends are bored of my random shouts "why you people never read my blog is beyond me" or "this is SO going in my blog"(Barney Stinson, acknowledged) or " You know what i wrote about you in my blog, read it! HA!". Yup, i am obsessed about my blog.
So this brings to the insecurity part. I was 75th in the indiblogger rank list and suddenly it dropped to 57. May be the new bloggers around the block are all awesome, i thought. And later google PRchecker showed my PR had dropped too. (Here i don't want to remember this embarrassing fact that i once thought PR of 1 was the best and 10 was the worst, you know, like a countdown).
So this cant be good naa. I mean, either i am writing crap or i am writing bullshit. there is simply no other option. Am i that bad and should i go on are questions that do plague me. I do love this blog and i do thank all you people who reads through my * apparently* not so good literature. Thanks guys! Hugs!! I really appreciate it!
PS- Emo me is really depressing, rudeboy will swear on that. So, i-dont-give-a-shit mask back on and who cares about google? and indiblogger ranks. Am awesome. :P
"Well, not now, but eventually. They just found the girl. There are millions of stuff now na?"
"Oh. Good. Very good. Good for you. Awesome. Good. Really. Bye"
She disconnected the phone to the spluttering sounds He was making.
Well, that was unexpected, she thought. Not entirely, they always knew this. That what they had would never work out. There were just too many hurdles to jump.
It was just sex. Always. Good sex, mind you. Mind blowing. She tried to concentrate on that. The cuddling and the I-love-yous were all part of sex. The knowing smiles, the inside jokes, the silly fights, the bigger and easier make ups, it was all sex. Yes. It was.
She felt like hearing songs. Sad ones. They were more enjoyable. Thats why. Not because they make her sad. Not at all. Soft music is good for ears.
They were never friends in the true sense of the word. They both had different circles. Rather strong ones too. He had far too many female friends, she thought. She hated every single one of them. And told him so too. It was another joke. The acting jealous joke. She was acting. Yes. She was.
She drank another sip from the tea cup. The flavor was not registering with her. He never drank tea or coffee or any beverages. It was always juices when they went out. She always found it rather boyish. And that somehow made her smile now.
How it all began? They were both very busy, very career minded, living life to the fullest individuals. When they met, they both knew they liked each other and they were lonely and love-deprived. They knew they had immense potential together, they could bridge the emptiness that was was in their hearts and nothing serious or long term will never come off it. two states, to cultures, too families that will never meet and mingle. It was just oil and water.
So it was all an act from beginning. The flirting, the in-love talks, the hugs that lingered, prolonged handshakes.. Then on a mutual whim they decided that they were going to be lovers. In every sense. Without love or commitment. Anyone can get out anytime. Without hard feelings. And something like that.
It was awesome. The IMs in office hours and long phone calls to midnight, later parties and rented hotel rooms. It was simply awesome. There were no friction as they brushed conflicts aside. This was not forever. They were drinking on the ecstasy of love and togetherness. Since years she felt like a complete person. And that brought out the smiles. Wicked ones. Random ones. The one when she was collecting water from the cooler. The one when she saw his childhood photo. The one when she was dreaming while in an office meeting. She was happy.
Ah this wont do. Drat it. Sunday too. No work to get lost in. She let out a string of curses and wondered why she never thought of a mini bar at home.
The phone buzzed with new message. It was him.
"Are you ok?" it said. This made her smile. He was forever caring.
"Yeah. I am ok. :)"
She pushed the send button and then the tears started.
I always knew there were 7 sins and greed, lust, pride etc are some of them, but I never spared it much brain space. Today, I was sooo bored,(Blame on friends who go on camping trips to dangerous places in stormy season[i wont even cry if you die, i will simply say "i told you so"] and others who have a life offline)I had to blog something and nothing is happening to me in the damn sickbed(or deathbed because boredom will soon kill me).
So, I looked up the 7 sins. My, oh my, i am doomed. You see, i always thought that i am basically a good person. I am not perfect. I can be rather annoying, selfish, irritating, cunning, lying to save my ass, plotting when the situation demands it (jeez i don't need the list, do i?), but in my heart, I never wished anyone ill luck (well, only those who deserves it. :| ). And you know, I always had this feeling that I am OK, i am even good, i help strangers, i tend sick animals, i love the silly world for crying out loud. How bad i can be? And i was happy with my goodness. Until i saw the list. :|
THE LIST OF SEVEN SINS! or cardinal sins or capital vices, whatever!
1.Pride is excessive belief in one's own abilities, that interferes with the individual's recognition of the grace of God. It has been called the sin from which all others arise. Pride is also known as Vanity.
Now, why people say "Don't you have a little pride miss?" I am not vane, but I do feel happy when my judgments turn out to be right. Now, god is not going to come down and take the blunt when it goes wrong na? So why reserve him the credits?
2.Envy is the desire for others' traits, status, abilities, or situation.
This I am proud to say i don't have. Except when it is harmless. Not serious. For Fun. Wishful thinking you know? Damn it! :|
3.Gluttony is an inordinate desire to consume more than that which one requires.
Guilty as charged. No comments. Except that its not fair!! Well, someone should have made a list of what one requires. :|
4.Lust is an inordinate craving for the pleasures of the body.
How was the mankind to procreate without this? We cant all wait for St. Gabriel to descend and Holy Spirit to get us pregnant na? What would all the guys do then? Go out of business? :D (Me thinks that story is freaking scary. I used to think as a kid what i would do if Gabriel came to me. I cant say i want to wait till i am a bit older na? This is holy business we are talking! Childhood me was a freak if u ask me!)
Coming back to context- Guilty. ;)
5.Anger is manifested in the individual who spurns love and opts instead for fury. It is also known as Wrath.
I get angry easily. My adrenaline bottle's cap is loose. On merest provocation, like not coming on time(please forget i am always late. Ah, we'll come to sloth later) or a seriously wicked villain in a movie triggers it. I will be grinding my tooth to powder faster than u can say aha! Small consolation- i come down faster! Note the point your Honour!
6.Greed is the desire for material wealth or gain, ignoring the realm of the spiritual. It is also called Avarice or Covetousness.
All nice names. You know what would be nicer? If someone would buy us nice dress and gadgets for free. If Sony Ericsson started giving out stuff. And food too, all free. Greed or whatever they mean by the term is only practical in a socialistic utopia and we all know how USSR was a huge success! So, i am guilty but i don't feel so, and God is so unfair in this!! He can conjure stuff na? :-O
7.Sloth is the avoidance of physical or spiritual work.
Famous last words. Chuck it! :P
PS-Posting this on children's day is not bad form eh? Posting this on World Diabetes Day sounded cool. The overindulgence and all that you know. :P
PS2- So what you say about me doing the 10 commandments?? No na? I guessed so :P
For all my life, since childhood, i had been ridiculously healthy.
When other children cried about sick leaves, i prayed for one, to no avail. When my brother who was a very sick boy took month after month away from the boarding, i was mighty jealous of him(He is rather healthy and muscle-y now days. As much as i love him, the world is not fair guys!sigh!). So my point is I was the healthy child. The one who never went down, the one for whom they never had to wake up at midnight for, the one who never got admitted in a hospital(except for eating too much bournvita one day :|). The perfect baby. Later the perfect one went on to be hmm, lets say rather on the heavy side. So what, i was still healthy. And through college too i was praying to get sick even though i bunked class to my heart's content there. Still healthy as a horse. Lets say i was too much confident.
So, 2 weeks ago, after a long trip and all, i went to work. On coming back, i slept for 2 hours and when i woke up, viola, fever!! I cant say i was depressed. I slept on it, took the next day off for fun(it was saturday and i don't like the fact that i work on saturdays) and by saturday evening things started to slip off my control. I might be lazy, but i loved my job and wanted no holidays these days as it would reflect badly on me and my paycheck. So i didn't wanted this fever.
For someone who wanted to lie down with a blankie and get pampered a lot throughout her teen life, i was not enjoying it when served in the silver platter. More like the damn fever was not letting me. The thing that annoyed me most would be the appetite. For a fatso with a decent appetite whatever happened, the fever killed it. I was weary of food and one day, for flavour, i made maggi noodles, as soup(Don't scold me please), nd its absolutely accurate in saying that i wont be eating maggi for a long long long time, may be never. Maggi did one thing though. It started the vomiting. From then, whatever goes in, comes out the same way. Thus i got pretty tired and dizzy and got more pampered. By this time my uncle(who is a doc too) got concerned as he see H1N1 etc daily and wanted me to undergo checkups and all. In a week, a severely malnourished, but bored and happy-to-go-to-work-finally me went out to my hospital. I was double happy. Finally the virus had managed to reduce my weight which i hadn't succeeded with :) And let me tell you, after all these troubles, if the virus hadn't managed that, i would have hunt every single one of them and roasted them in hell fire. Well, i was happy.
Now let me tell you the ill-effects of working in a hospital as a young doc.
1. you don't have many patients, so you have loads of free time.
2. As seniors wont be friends to you, you start befriending the young people in lab and x-rays, which is very close to my room in case of my hospital.
3. The lab tests are free.
All these factors culminate in what happened next.
One fine afternoon, a very bored me went to Lab and asked them to do a s.bilirubin after observing the obvious :| . I was looking very energetic and good, they scoffed at my request at first. But boss is boss[;)] so they took a criminal amount of blood from my veins and after a million calls in every 3 seconds(i love intercoms :D) they finally told me the value. Damn! Jaundice this time. :| Though they appreciated my thinking prowess and energy, they fact remained that i was sick again. When i called home with this news, all hell broke loose. Hell here is a literal translation of Mom. Mom just freaked out.
And so, guys,(if anyone is still reading this :P) the smalltown_girl is in sickbed now. And jaundice makes fever look like a picnic. Because now i am alright and has no symptoms externally, am literally tied down to bed, given absolute shit items as food when i am quite famished and craves nice food. Oh and am not allowed to move and all :| DAMN!
And what next? No God.. No! I think i was never meant to be the sick one. I just don't have the mettle for it. And all these years god was right. I am too weak to be sick!
PS: Totally unrelated fact- Rocky is sick too, a thorn in his paw it seems. Getting better faster than me :)